Promoting individuality in twins and multiples

It’s so easy with twins or multiples to see them as one unit, a pair/ group that stays together and is treated as one. Right from the birth of my twins, I felt that was encouraged in many ways, as the advice I was given was to feed them at the same time and get them into the same sleep schedule. So, I tried that, but I very quickly had one baby who loved her sleep and was having to be woken for feeds, and another who always wanted to be awake and partying every night and couldn’t go a few hours at night without a feed! My son loved his milk and would guzzle big bottles every 3 hours, but my daughter has always been the smaller eater and would happily go 4 hours between feeds and take smaller bottles at each. It used to make me feel very stressed at night as it felt wrong to wake her, and then she would barely finish a bottle. I worried she wasn’t taking enough milk, but in reality, she was probably just cross with me for waking her! Once I accepted that they were individuals and tried not to enforce the exact same routine on them, my daughter slept through the night from 4 months whilst my son happily continued to wake until beyond a year… guzzling a large bottle of milk in the middle of the night.

I can understand why, from a parent’s point of view, it’s better to instil the same routine in both twins or all of your multiples, and try to make life easier. And there is nothing wrong with that at all, we all need a break, and we all need time, and routine can help with that. There are so many things that make it hard being a parent to multiples, so the last thing you want to do is make it even harder on yourself. However, despite being a multiple, they are still individuals, and not only will they not always fit into the same routines, they also may strive for, or need, some individuality.

Here are a few tips about how to encourage individuality in twins:

Develop a routine that works for you: be as rigid or as flexible as you need to suit your family and your needs. If a very rigid routine, with both babies being fed and sleeping at the same time works then do that. But also remember that they are individuals and some degree of flexibility may be needed to meet their needs. You may also find that allowing for their individual needs works better as you won’t be waking a sleeping baby, or worrying about one not drinking enough just because they take a smaller bottle than the other.

Embrace their individual interests: if one child loves trains and the other loves dinosaurs then embrace those differences and encourage their own personalities to be expressed through their individual differences.

Have 1:1 time with each child if possible: spending time with each child on their own allows you to focus on just them and give them the opportunity to make their own choices and express themselves. When you have both with you, naturally both require and demand your attention and probably even fight for it. They may be even have developed their own language and may answer questions for each other. Giving them some time apart and time with you on their own helps them to express themselves, make choices and communicate for themselves whilst also having your undivided attention.

·       Allow each child to be the decision maker at times: allowing each child the opportunity to make independent choices and take some leadership and control at times is a great way to embrace and promote their individuality.  So often twins will stick together and make choices together, so it helps to encourage them to take turns to make decision. For example, one day one child could pick the bedtime story they are read, and the next day the other can pick. Or one child could select what to play with all together, and then the other picks an activity of their choice afterwards. The choices don’t need to be huge, but even small decisions being allocated to each child helps to promote independence and individuality. 

Encourage separate hobby groups: as your children get older, it will be more obvious what their hobbies and interests are and easier to encourage this too. For example, once they’re at school there will be a whole list of groups that they can attend and more outside of school too. Try to encourage them to make their own choices and attend different groups where possible to promote independence. You may find that they are reluctant to do things alone, so take note of and acknowledge their emotions and remind them that they are safe wherever they go and will see their twin shortly after. Once they have attended something separately, praise them for what they have done and again acknowledge their feelings.

Avoid matching clothing (at least some of the time): putting multiples in matching clothes is very cute, and despite having boy-girl twins, I too put them in matching clothes whenever I could! However, doing it all of the time may give them less sense of individuality. Encourage them to make their own choices and express their own likes and dislikes with clothes. If possible, take them clothes shopping 1:1 so they can make decision and help to pick the clothes they would like to buy.

For birthdays and Christmas, politely ask family and friends to buy individual presents and give individual gifts yourself too: they are separate children and are individuals, so it isn’t at all unreasonable for them to have separate gifts. As a parent, I do at times buy my twins joint presents just as a I would if I have two children of different ages. However, I am also careful to make sure they have individual presents that are specifically for each of them and are what they really love.

On their birthday, try to make it individual and special for each of them: each year on my twins birthday I will always make them (or buy them haha!) their own birthday cake. They also have their own colour balloons, separate wrapping paper and choose their own friends to invite to parties. As twins they share enough anyway, so for the sake of making the day special for them both, try to give them something individual on their birthday. Even if it is just red balloons for one and pink for the other. Or a shop bought birthday cake but with a candle for each of them.

I hope you find these tips helpful and can find ways to implement them into your daily life to help promote individuality. The key thing to also remember though is that there is something very special about the bond that multiples have. It is incredibly precious and unique and it’s natural for your children to want to be together as they are used to being together and it is all they have ever known. So it may take time for them to feel comfortable with being apart, and that’s ok. Take it slowly and let them lead and set the pace and in time they will hopefully enjoy expressing their individuality and having time apart whilst also still treasuring the special bond they have.